Chuck Carroll

CHuck CARROLL

After a frigid childhood near Chicago, Chuck attended a pastoral high school in the warm valleys outside San Francisco. Practiced storytelling, hot rodding and exaggeration. Off to small college in NH followed by active duty near Tacoma WA as Battalion Staff Officer. Opened a motorcycle dealership in Calif. Went on to slay the two-headed dragon of confusion and inertia to change people’s behavior–AKA corporate sales. Retired as Y2K Evangelist. Chuck is a tuba player, vintner, satirist and armchair anthropologist. He is a high risk/high reward Seeker/Innovator. His mission is to motivate folks to write down their experiences for the amazement of their future generations.

chuck's work

Wall Street Journal on Free Speech

The Right Needs to Conserve Free Speech

It’s tempting to follow the left’s lead and censor one’s foes, but a FIRE co-founder Harvey Silverglate says it’s unwise.

By Tunku Varadarajan Sept. 26, 2025 at 5:19 pm ET

The latest national battle over speech follows the assassination of Charlie Kirk. Jimmy Kimmel, a TV personality of modest talents, opined on his ABC show on Sept. 15 that the murderer was associated with the “MAGA gang”—which he wasn’t. The wrath of the right descended on Mr. Kimmel, who was suspended for a week, then reinstated.

“In the wake of the tragedy, Kimmel should have waited for things to cool down before speaking out,” says Harvey Silverglate, a lawyer who’s been fighting in the civil-liberties trenches for more than five decades. But he insists that “we should not be afraid of free speech. Free speech is what saves us from civil war.”

Mr. Silverglate objects in particular to the comments of Brendan Carr, chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, who suggested that the FCC would find “remedies” to use against ABC and its station owners: “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. These companies can find ways to change conduct, to take action, frankly, on Kimmel, or there’s going to be additional work for the FCC ahead.” Mr. Silverglate says Mr. Carr’s crude threats were “outrageous and unconstitutional. It’s not the FCC’s job to police content.” Mr. Silvergllate, 83, describes himself as a “liberal libertarian” who has distanced himself from the left with age. He speaks to me by Zoom from his home in Cambridge, Mass. He is a co-founder, with the historian Alan Charles Kors, of the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression, best-known by its acronym, FIRE. The two had co-written a book, “The Shadow University: The Betrayal of Liberty on American Campuses” (1998). After its publication, Mr. Silverglate says, “we got an enormous number of complaints from students and faculty members that they were being silenced.” FIRE came into being to address this campus crisis.

Greg Lukianoff, FIRE’s president since 2006, was Mr. Silverglate’s first hire. The outfit was originally called the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education, but it expanded its remit to become an all-encompassing national speech watchdog in 2022, largely because, Mr. Silverglate says, the American Civil Liberties Union had lost “any meaningful interest in free speech.

” Mr. Silverglate believes the ACLU “has defaulted on its prior role of being the main civil-liberties organization in the country.” When “the great Ira Glasser” retired as executive director in 2001, the organization went into “a downward spiral,” which Mr. Silverglate attributes to “the problems of affirmative action”: The ACLU board decided that, “having had a Jewish male executive director, it was time for a gay Hispanic.” That was Anthony Romero, who Mr. Silverglate says is “not a civil libertarian but a creature of the left. He has stopped the ACLU’s historic focus on free speech and due process and has taken on leftist causes.”

Mr. Silverglate met Mr. Romero in 2001, when the former was president of the ACLU’s Massachusetts affiliate. Over lunch Mr. Silverglate listened to Mr. Romero’s plans for the ACLU.t the end of his spiel, I said, ‘Anthony, I didn’t hear one word about civil liberties. I heard about workers’ rights, but there are unions that deal with that. I didn’t hear one word about free speech.’ And Romero just got up and stomped out. He was so insulted he left.” Mr. Silverglate was stuck with the restaurant tab, which FIRE picked up along with “the baton that Romero dropped.” Mr. Silverglate left the ACLU board soon after and is still a member of FIRE’s board.

FIRE was alarmed by the Kimmel suspension: “The government pressured ABC—and ABC caved,” the organization tweeted on Sept. 17. “We cannot be a country where late night talk show hosts serve at the pleasure of the president.” Mr. Silverglate, for his part, is unfazed by what he calls “the Kimmel kerfuffle.” There have “been fears of the death of free speech for as long as I’ve been alive—and longer.” But free speech “always manages to survive, because there’s a small band of stalwarts who remind people that the First Amendment protects free speech.” There are “times when speech has been in ascendance, and times when it has been in recession. It’s currently in recession. But fundamentally, it survives over the long term.

” What’s new is that “it’s under attack from the right. Most often, it has been under attack from the left.” Mr. Silverglate attributes the left’s drive for censorship to the influence of Herbert Marcuse (1898-1979), a German-American philosopher who taught at Brandeis and Harvard. In an influential 1965 essay, “Repressive Tolerance,” Marcuse argued that free speech privileges the “predominant interests” in society and preserves a capitalist status quo. “A lot of our problems,” Mr. Silverglate says, “stem from Marxian logic that people who are the so-called underrepresented are entitled to more free-speech rights than the overrepresented. This is an absurdity, and it’s necessary to battle this theory.”

Kirk’s murder made him a martyr. “We have to be careful about reprisals against the left,” Mr. Silverglate says. “ ‘The left’ did not assassinate him. A mentally unstable fanatic did so.” He notes that President Trump began his administration “praising free speech, but suddenly wants to claim that it has produced violence.” Attorney General Pam Bondi has inveighed against “hate speech.”

Mr. Silverglate points out “the irony upon irony”: that Kirk rejected all this. In a much-cited tweet from May 2, 2024, Kirk declared: “Hate speech does not exist legally in America. There’s ugly speech. There’s gross speech. There’s evil speech. And ALL of it is protected by the First Amendment. Keep America free.”e Silverglate points out “the irony upon irony”: that Kirk rejected all this. In a much-cited tweet from May 2, 2024, Kirk declared: “Hate speech does not exist legally in America. There’s ugly speech. There’s gross speech. There’s evil speech. And ALL of it is protected by the First Amendment. Keep America free.”

“I happen to like Charlie Kirk,” Mr. Silverglate says. “I’m a card-carrying member of the Libertarian Party. I didn’t agree with much of what he said, but his tolerance was crucial. He showed extraordinary tolerance of those who disagreed with him when he went to the campuses.” Kirk was able to “welcome and debate people of the left with whom he disagreed completely. And that’s the sign of a civilized person. Charlie Kirk was a civilized human being.”

Mr. Silverglate describes himself a “free-speech absolutist.” He even thinks American defamation law makes it too easy to sue for libel: “The law should be changed to allow a 30-day period in which a newspaper can publish a correction in as prominent a place in the paper as the defamation was placed. The correction would obviate a lawsuit.

”Free speech helps people “develop a thick skin, which is indispensable in a diverse democracy,” Mr. Silverglate says. “We cannot have laws based on what the thin-skinned want. It’s as simple as that. If the weakest among us determine what the laws are, the laws become oppressive.” He paraphrases a line he used in a 2006 interview: “You are not immune from being called an a—h —.” Then he explains why this is a good thing: “It’s a much better society where everyone can call everyone else an a—h— than a society where no one can call anyone an a—h—. Besides, it has a practical benefit. I know who doesn’t like me.”

I draw Mr. Silverglate’s attention to an essay published in the New York Times by Mr. Lukianoff, his protégé who now runs FIRE. It frames a seemingly intractable problem of “tit-for-tat” censorship by Democrats and Republicans when in power, implying that both sides are equally culpable. Obviously they aren’t. The Biden administration muzzled opinions on Covid and climate change that didn’t toe the government line. Mr. Lukianoff highlights the hounding of Mr. Kimmel, a rare counterexample. The high-minded solution he offers is that there be a disarmament-style pact between the parties to refrain from such curbs on speech. “So here’s my practical warning,” Mr. Lukianoff writes. “The weapon that you reach for today will be used against you tomorrow.”

A conservative would respond that it was used against him yesterday and for decades before that. As Mr. Silverglate acknowledges, speech suppression is rare on the modern right and an established practice on the left. He agrees that it would be easier to get the right to embrace a commitment to unimpaired free speech than the left, and that any “disarmament” would likely leave the left at an advantage. He insists nonetheless that “the way to deal with this heavyhandedness is not to abandon the principle of free speech, and not to emulate your enemy. That’s why neutral rules are so essential.”

He goes further. “It’s the right’s duty—D-U-T-Y—to protect what the left isn’t protecting. Because free speech is fundamentally a conservative principle. Historically in this country, the left has gone off the rails more frequently than the right. And it’s in the long-term interest of the right—and of the American nation—to keep us on the rails by protecting free speech.

” If the right fulfills this duty, Mr. Silverglate says, “it would also help those of good faith on the left to regain the ascendance within their own party. Right now, the Elizabeth Warren-Bernie Sanders wing of the party seems to be in control. But history is a long battle, and their dominance can be reversed.”

Mr. Silverglate has one other suggestion for the protection of free speech from government overreach, and it draws on the University of Chicago’s free-speech policy statement from 2015.The statement affirms that “it is not the proper role of the University to attempt to shield individuals from ideas and opinions they find unwelcome, disagreeable, or even deeply offensive.” He suggests a “Chicago statement for the nation,” which would declare that “it is not the proper role of government to attempt to shield individuals” from ideas and opinions they don’t care for.

“I don’t know anybody in public life right now who would do that if he were in the White House,” he says. “But I think an articulate president could justify it. Only an articulate president could pull that off.”

Mr. Varadarajan, a Journal contributor, is a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute and at New York University Law School’s Classical Liberal Institute

*****

Can School Shootings Be Stopped?

By Chuck Carroll

The recent school shooting in Minneapolis was a horrible event. Both for those involved and for every parent and every school-aged child, everywhere.

The media has done its reporting job. Unfortunately, most is gobbledygook: sensationalizing, hand-wringing and faux causal analysis. These are distractions to preventing such tragedies in the future.

And prevention must be done. Even though the risks of being shot at school are statistically low, the best possible solutionsshould be implemented. To paraphrase a proverbial truth–The Right Solution is the One Most Likely to Succeed.

How to find the best possible solutions? Get clear on what actually happened. Answer the questions Who, What, Where. Parse the event into a just-the-facts police report:

· Who: A human, driven by insanity, terror and/or criminal gain

· What: Fired bullets from guns

· Where: Into a church/school complex

This resulted in 2 deaths, 21 woundings and nation-wide psychological trauma. These results could have been prevented by stopping any one of the Who, What, Where’s listed above. How would that work?

Who. The insane, terrorists and criminals require different interdictions. Of course, law enforcement should continue to stop these people. But none can be totally prevented. The insane are the hardest to stop, as many are Lone Wolves who have no associates who could report them.

What. Bullets and guns. This is a mess. There are more guns in circulation than the population of the United States. Even handled carefully, guns are dangerous. Our founding document–the US Constitution–includes language that seems to make gun ownership “a right”. Even if all guns were somehow confiscated, any 3D printer can manufacture a working gun in an afternoon.

I believe all guns should be registered, licensed and insured for damages they might cause. The model is automobile ownership. This would reduce guns in the hands of the insane, terrorists and criminals. But it would never eliminate them. The shooter in Minneapolis only had three guns.

This leads to Where: a church/school complex. This particular school failed at protecting its students.

We need to have armed guards at all schools. How about one guard for each side of the building. That would be 4 per school. Times the 87,711 elementary and high schools in the US. That would be 350,844 armed guards, at a burdened cost of $100K each. Or over $35 BILLION a year. Less than the cost of three aircraft carriers.

Surprisingly, this could be the best possible solution to protecting children in school.

A more cost-effective variation: state-of-the-art electronic security systems at every school. Each system would be intensely monitored by both human and AI surveillance during the entire school day. Suspicious visitors or actual intruders would trigger alarms to dispatch roving SWAT teams to stop the intruders before any shots are fired.

As I wrote this, I thought about why kids go to school in the first place. Universal education is relatively new in human history. “In 1852, Massachusetts was the first U.S. state to pass a compulsory universal public education law,” says Google. That was less than 200 years ago. Modern Homo Sapiens have been around about 160,000 years. So separating children from their mothers is a very new and sometimes deadly experiment.

We need to fix it.

AI Hype Cycle

by Chuck Carroll

Artificial Intelligence may be the greatest technology advance since Guttenberg

invented movable type. That was in 1450. For reference, only 7% of Germans could

actually read in 1450.

AI is a hot topic. Everybody has a story, an opinion perhaps even warnings about AI.

But what is it, really? To find out, let us consult Gartner, Inc.

Gartner is a global advisory firm to help executives make informed business and

technology decisions. One tool they use is the Hype Cycle to represent the maturity,

adoption, and social application of specific technologies.

Here is an overview of AI by a Gartner client Jan Beger, Global Head of AI Advocacy,

GE HealthCare, following the Hype Cycle model:

“Based on the 2025 Gartner Hype Cycle for Artificial Intelligence, AI technologies

are currently spread across the first four phases of the cycle. No technologies

have reached the Plateau of Productivity yet.

“Several technologies—such as AI Agents, AI-Ready Data, Responsible AI, AI

Engineering, and Multimodal AI—are positioned at or near the Peak of Inflated

Expectations. These areas are attracting significant attention and investment,

though real-world impact and scalability remain uncertain.

“Technologies like Foundation Models, Synthetic Data, Edge AI, and Generative

AI have moved into the Trough of Disillusionment, where initial hype has tapered

off and organizations are facing practical challenges in implementation, cost, and

return on investment.

“More mature approaches—such as model distillation, knowledge graphs, and

cloud AI services—are on the Slope of Enlightenment, where benefits are clearer

and adoption is expanding in targeted use cases.

“Earlier-stage innovations, including Quantum AI, AI-Native Software

Engineering, and Artificial General Intelligence, remain in the Innovation Trigger

phase. These are still in research or pilot stages, with limited adoption and longer

timelines to maturity.

“Overall, the AI landscape in 2025 reflects a mix of hype, early progress, and

emerging value. Understanding where each technology stands on the cycle can

help organizations set realistic expectations and make better-informed

investment decisions.”

Well, that is interesting. AI appears quite complex, multi-disciplinary and needing many

humans to get up to speed. And like Guttenberg’s fellow citizens, I would hazard that

most people do not understand AI.

Note to Investors: best investments might be in companies that make it to the Plateau of

Productivity.

Good luck to us all.

The author was a Gartner client and Technology Evangelist for the first mainframe Y2K

remediation solution.

chuck's work

IF I WERE KING

If I were King of the United States, I would

Require all citizens and legal alien residents to be able to understand my proclamations. These would be issued in Standard American English, our official language. This would also allow citizens to talk to each other.
Eliminate our growing Tower of Babel—no more ESL classes, voting materials in other languages or Spanish language TV stations.

EDUCATION

3. Set minimal national standards for high school graduation, including

* Understanding the Constitution and Bill of Right

.* Understanding our Free Enterprise system, including ownership rights, capital formation, market theory, creative destruction, Freedom to Succeed or Fail, and the teachings of Milton Friedma

n.* *Understanding American Exceptionalism.

*Understanding of newly instituted values. Including individual responsibilities to their King and themselves, right and wrong, manners, seemly behavior and the personal and societal costs of certain behaviors. Most importantly unwed motherhood.

*Require everyone to graduate from high school.

4 Require "'Truth in College Education. " All colleges must publish statistics on job placement of graduates by major. Such statistics would include graduation rates, employment rates and median annual earnings one year and five years after graduation. Students would only be allowed to borrow college loans that could be paid back with no more the 20% of median income for that major within 5 years. Of course, this would mean that medical students would be able to borrow more than Gender Study Majors. So be it

.5. Require refresher certification in the Constitution and Bill of Rights for all citizens every 5 years.

FAIRNESS

6. Eliminate all laws favoring one group over another based on race, color, creed, national origin, gender or sexual orientation.

7. Require a Flat Tax system without any special deductions for favored groups—so called "loopholes." Employed workers would not even need to file returns.

Everyone will pay some income tax. Excess CPA 's will be retrained.

8. Repatriate the $1.0 Trillion that U. S corporations have sequestered overseas due to our repressive tax laws.

9. Stop all lobbying effects whatsoever on any of our Federal Tax systems.

Lobbyists would still be free to speak to the Government, as guaranteed in the Constitution, but not to receive favorable tax treatment. [They may solicit grants, loan guarantees, gifts or other largesse. But no tax deals.]

10. Promote—but not require—citizens to start charitable organizations to help those in need. Your King may even start some. There will be no tax advantage to such organizations.

FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY

11. Allow maximum Federal taxes to be collected equal to 20% of the Gross Domestic Product. Only 3/4 of these taxes could be spent. The remaining 1/4 would be applied to debt reduction and funding long-term obligations.

12. Fund of all future military operations outside the U.S. by surcharge on Federal Income Tax. If the voters rebel, no more military operations.

13. Institute regulations to correct municipal malfeasance: national guidelines for all bond issues and public employee compensation and benefits, "'bonding" of elected officials who access purse strings, more jail time for the criminals at this level.

14. Dismantle all public worker labor organization rights.

15. Void all state and municipality pensions.

16. Then rewrite all state and municipality pensions following the new rules above in 13 and 14, above.

17. Fully fund any Federally mandated program for States or municipalities.

18. Eliminate all legislation, regulation and funding for the Cult of Global Warming. This includes all grants, guarantees and tax credits for Green Energy schemes.

INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY

19. Require that able-bodied men and women work. Those who are not able-bodied— and without relatives to sponge off of—will be cared for compassionately but at the lowest cost possible.

20. Replace all low-cost housing projects with military style barracks. These would house The Unfortunate while they are retrained by our newly freed-up military.

21 Eliminate most other welfare, unemployment pay and "pity programs".

22. Have incarcerated criminals serve much shorter sentences but with extremely hard work to support their prison costs. No more TV or air conditioning.

23. Require health care costs to be the responsibility of the individual. Citizens will be urged to buy their own insurance. Each individual will also be insured by the Federal government which will pay for limited, specific care after the individual has spent $100,000 for care in his or her lifetime. All fees are to be posted at point of service delivery. Different fees for different classes of patients will not be allowed. Medical malpractice suits will no longer be allowed. Excess attorneys will be retrained as doctors.

24. Require that retirement planning and funding be the responsibility of the individual.

NATIONAL SOVERINTY

25. Seal our borders.

26. Remove illegal immigrants. This would be done humanely through large cash grants to return them to their countries of origin. This would solve our unemployment problem and reduce bankruptcies of municipalities. Those immigrants needing political asylum would be relocated to the UN headquarters in New York City.

27. Eliminate the H-IB program which allows low-cost foreign technology workers to displace citizens. Item 4 will provide plenty of U.S. citizens to do these jobs.

28. After illegals are removed, borders are secure and unemployment is consistently under 4%, consider a short-stay guest worker program.

29. Deport any resident alien or naturalized citizen who espouses following other than U.S. law in either criminal, tort or contract matters. Examples: World Court, UN and Sharia law. Such espousals are not Free Speech. They are insurrection.

ENERGY POLICY

Make coordinated changes in energy policy & military adventurism. This would be done in steps.

Step 1. Mine and extract "all of the above" energy sources for 20 years. Environmental controls are suspended for this period.

Step 2. Fast track the construction of sufficient nuclear power plants of the latest and safest designs to provide 100% of our electricity needs 30 years in the future. This build out will be completed in 20 years.

Step 3. Open the Yucca Mt-nuclear storage facility and use it immediately.

Step 4. Modernize the power grid.

Step 5. Stop production of most electric vehicles. They are "net polluters" (after considering manufacturing, battery charging and scrapping) and nonsense except for use in high pollution areas, such as the Salt Lake City basin.

Step 6. Convert the U. S. trucking fleet to compressed natural gas.

Step 7. After all the nuclear plants are online,

Shut down older polluting power plants
Reinstitute environmental controls on oil and gas production
Bring our military home and repurpose it to
Guard our nuclear industry–power plants, fuel transportation, Yucca Mt.
Guard our borders
Guard and train The Unfortunate (see 20, above), and
Perform only those tasks specified in the Constitution

REPAIR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

31. Require Congress to follow its rules. The lack of a budget for three years is a national disgrace.

32. Review all Executive Branch regulations. Goal is to eliminate 90% of them.

INVIGORATE AMERICA

33. Make the United States the absolute best place in the world to do business.

Chuck Carroll 2015

charles work

Life is Uncertain. Eat Dessert First

A friend once sent me a list of unanswerable thoughts and questions. It reminded me of the motto of my favorite Denver airport restaurant. “Life is Uncertain. Eat Dessert First.” It was French, had great desserts, and alas is gone.

Here the unanswerable thoughts and questions:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where's the self-help section?' she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

4. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

5. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

6. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

7. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

8. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

10. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

11. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

12. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

13. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

14. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

15. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

16. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

17. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

18. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

19. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

21. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

23. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

24. Does the little mermaid wear an alge-bra?

But are these unanswerable? No way! Let’s show these questions who’s boss.

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR....

Reminds me of teaching many people to overcome alcohol induced vertigo by “flying the bed” during the 60s. Compare James Thurber: “One martini is too many, three’s not enough.”

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

Scratch an Atheist and find…a Solipsist. To paraphrase Walt Kelly, “We have met the Prophet & He is me.”

3. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

Ridiculous. A real man would never ask for directions.

4. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

What if there were?

5. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

Analogous situation: GI purposefully shoots self in foot to avoid combat. He is prosecuted for damaging government property.

6. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

I have read about this. They simply stay home but take off their uniforms. Any naked humans you see frolicking with bears are forest rangers on vacation.

7. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

Call CNN. They will send Al Gore to film this horrendous act.

8. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

This recalls the old joke about the difference between parsley and… Sorry, too gross.

9. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

Obviously, yes. Part of the American travel experience is stinky restrooms.

10. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

Neither. He would be dead. Poor turtle. Call Al Gore again.

11. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

Only if they do not swallow.

12. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

No. Police hate mimes as much as the rest of us. They simply pretend to whack the mime until he/she pretends to be knocked unconscious.

13. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

Have we not seen people driving like they are blind?

Guess what. They are!

14. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROADSIGNS?

Due to deer collisions in my neighborhood, I have asked that the signs be removed.

15. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

A sharp bread knife?

16. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

Not true. After initial self-indulgence, the polite egotist will say ‘Enough about me. Let’s talk about how I feel about you.”

17. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

Synchronized swimmers are drown-proofed by their alge-bras. (See #24, below.)

18. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

Yes, unless you had Uncle Pasto for dessert. Remember, Life is Uncertain…

19. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

Most likely, nothing.

20. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?

A passive aggressive spitter.

21. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

Are not tourists bagged in many of Carl Hiaasen’s Florida novels?

22. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

Some things go from bad to worse. Consider yogurt.

23. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

No and seldom can anybody else.

24. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGE-BRA?

I went to Google on this one. The Little Mermaid wears a clamshell bra. Ouch.

This recalls Disney’s only topless foray. Below are Centaurettes from The Pastoral Symphony portion of Fantasia.

CHARLES' WORK

Ahead of the Curve Looking Back,

I was an Early Adopter of adventures that went on to become common place. Here are a few examples of being ahead of the curve:

As a toddler I identified with recalcitrant star of The Poky Little Puppy. Later, I became famous as Procrastinus in high school Latin. “I’ll turn in my homework when I feel like it!” Sounds like Gen Y, doesn’t it?

In 1947 I was enraptured by a reading of Dr. Seuss’ And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street. I identified with the protagonist, whose story got better with each retelling. So, I went on to tell stories, myself.

• Once in the first grade, my daily story audience of 5 and 6 year-olds were so mesmerized that we failed to return after lunch. Worried teachers found us in the bushes as I held forth.

• In the seventh grade, I found the suddenly attractive girls enjoyed my retelling of off-color jokes. Sample from a dude range exchange: “I just saw a cowboy packing a 38’s.” “That’s nothing. I just saw a cowgirl go by with a pair of 44s!” Titter, titter.

• I diffused many violent teenage situations with humorous quips and stories. Better a punch line than a punch out. Eddie Murphy used this trick as a teenager.

• I would buttonhole high school friends on the street to regale them with condensed versions of The Canterbury Tales.

• In the Army, I would amuse my colonel with personal anecdotes over coffee each morning. I discovered later that this kept me from being deployed to Viet Nam.

• I used stories to win jobs and girlfriends, to close sales, even to understand the Hierarchy of Knowledge. This is a universal field theory I developed in the early 90s. It says that observed and recorded Nature becomes Data, when categorized becomes Information, when interpreted becomes Knowledge, when interrelated becomes Understanding, when contemplated becomes Wisdom, when lived becomes Godliness, which ultimately leads to the ability to create Nature. (Yes, this will be on the test.) Identified with Ferdinand, The Bull who would rather lie under the cork trees than fight. Escaped from a criminogenic Junior High in an Illinois factory town to a lily-white California suburban high school experience. (Thanks for moving us, Pop.) I identified with James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause. Began a life-long career as a dilettante and enthusiast. If there was something to do, I tried it with gusto. Then I spun my experiences as entertainingly as possible. I identified with George Plimpton and the hipsters in Kerouac’s On The Road. Or maybe even Tom Hanks as Forest Gump. Partied in high school. After seeing Crazy Larry escape from the police cruiser into the woods behind Carolyn Kelloway’s house, I identified with the Michael Cera character in Superbad. Perfect four-year record of NEVER eating lunch in the high school cafeteria. Instead, I patronized the walk-up window for junk food and strolled around, “eating street” as they say in New York. Doubtless my youthful appearance is the result of consuming over a thousand preservative-laced Hostess Twinkies. Read Elmtown’s Youth in high school. Milestone on journey from Good Methodist to Anthropologist/Sociologist. Played in rock bands and MJQ cover quartet. Learned that fights at parties spared the band. Identified with musicians in The Blues Brothers. Self-Reliance, Adolescent Style. Got high school student body to adopt a Code of Conduct in return for new privileges. One such was sitting wherever one wanted in the bimonthly school assemblies. So, every two weeks I stood in front of 1,200 kids who politely listened to my updates. Without any adults in the auditorium! I pitched this story at every college interview. No one had ever heard of such thing. It got me admitted to schools in Portland, Berkeley, Claremont and Hanover. Off to a stretch choice college. Heretofore only for the privileged, I was one of first regular folks to go. I identified with Richard Dreyfuss in American Graffiti. [Turned out Dr. Seuss went there, too.] Bizarre college experiences. Example: waking up among plush curtains and plaster columns in NYC. How did I end up in a photographer’s studio? I identified with the protagonist in Dylan Thomas’ Adventures in the Skin Trade. More likely, I was creating a character for Animal House. [As it happens, Animal House is based on events during my freshman year at Dartmouth. I may have been the inspiration for D-Day, the motorcyclist/ mechanic!] After graduating, I identified with Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate. Served my country yet avoided combat. What’s luck got to do with it? Maybe it was the lesson from Ferdinand, The Bull. Partied with divorced beauticians and mail order brides in the greater Tacoma area. Quit smoking in 1967 by exercising to the point of nausea before lunch each day. (Thank God for handball.) Became anti-smoking zealot in the 70s, not allowing guests to smoke in our home. Now France has quashed those stinky Gallouises in all public places. Take that, Jean Paul Belmondo. Became an entrepreneur when the label was only used in France. With 60s appropriate facial hair, I was called a Hip Capitalist. (I was born 9 months after Pearl Harbor, so of course I had a Japanese motorcycle shop. Good thing Pop beat ’em.) Pioneer in the LTA Movement. LTA = Living Together Arrangement. Became only a “serial monogamist”. Never made it to the “casual sex” level. Not for lack of trying, but too much of a romantic. However, I was able to delay marriage: too much of a hedonist. One of the few unmarried classmates at 10th high school reunion. One attendee asked my girlfriend, “Are you liberated?” Duh. Raced motorcycles way passed the point of common sense. In fact, I Peter-Principled with multiple contusions, fractures and concussions. On my Triumph twin I identified with Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, not Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. On my 400cc Suzuki motocrosser I identified with Evel Knievel, shouting “Oh no, not again!” (Knievel is well known as the inspiration for the Britney Spears chartbuster, “Opps, I Did It Again.”) Was experimenting with Excess Leisure Time when I met future wife. Got picked as husband by this tall, pretty, brainy, cutting edge, bank officer who was a closet Alternative Lifestyler. Oh my! I believe she liked my stories. Bought leather running shoes by Adidas long before jogging craze began. (Sister once told me ADIDAS is a mnemonic for All Day I Dream About Sex. Alright!) Number Two in family home building business. I identified with oldest brother in Arrested Development. Owned two homes by the fourth year of marriage. No money down. Went on to be a pioneer in both adjustable rate mortgages and the Refi game. And why not? Who wants to leave their home equity to their children? Experienced mid-life career change into Sales. Most other folks where chaining themselves to their desks by then. Delayed children for many years. Then attended Lamaze, LeLeche and actual delivery. Why? To have one perfect little pun'kin, whom we sent to private schools because only the best was good enough. Fortunately, the kid got my wife’s good looks and my math skills. Usually did everything My Way, to varied degrees of success. Later learned this was a song by Frank Sinatra. Never identified with him. Became wine maker with grapes from my estate. I found the vines under the weeds in my front yard. The product is yet to be palatable. Bacchus anyone? Found work at the oldest software company in world. Eventually, organized the folks there to great success, which led to being acquired. This made so much money for so many people, that during the acquiring company’s final week, many salespeople approached me at the Court of Two Sisters in New Orleans. They would kneel by my table and express their thanks. I should have worn a ring for them to kiss. Laid off in the Dot Com bust and never got back on the horse. Blogged against Illegal Immigration before it became fashionable. In August 2007, the public overwhelmed their elected officials in agreement. Problem solved. [Update: No, it’s not.] Realized in 2005 that human-generated greenhouse gases causing Global Warming was mass hysteria. Humans cause 0.28% of all the greenhouse gases surrounding the Earth. A rounding error! This silliness will fade into oblivion during Hillary’s first term. I have already moved on. [All confirmed in Unsettled by Prof. Steven E. Koonin, 2021] Way behind the learning curve for my age: while parental concern goes on forever, control disappears before you know it. Planning my Next Act, delaying the front porch and rocker as long as possible. Perhaps forever.

CHARLES' WORK

Accidental Athlete

It’s a hot summer night inside a Sacramento rodeo arena. An oval of hay bales has turned it into a motorcycle track. Dust, noise and exhaust fumes flood my full-face helmet. Sweaty black leather armors my nether regions. I look like Darth Vader with his head stuck in a wastebasket. Why am I doing this?

Nine fellow masochists and I are a tableau of anticipation. In two rows of five riders, we lean over our gas tanks and rev like banshees. Each rider is on his toes, elbows out, staring bug-eyed at the narrow entrance to the first turn.

I had won the fastest heat, so I sit on the pole for the main event. The starter’s shoulder begins to move. I see it first. Instinct takes over to coordinate clutch engagement with a butt bounce for traction. I had to get my second trophy ever. Right NOW!

My first trophy was for Dartmouth crew. It was a copper mug inscribed “Fall Championship 1960.”

Oarsmen are basically galley slaves victimized by a sadistic Mini-Me with a megaphone. November practice on the Connecticut River added the thrill of ice. Not bergs – not yet – but a film of ice that began to form on the shell. Our gang of 8 and ½ (no offense, Cox) grew stronger each evening as we carried our frozen vessel back to its house.

Rowing is perfect teamwork or it just doesn’t work. In our final race each stroke lifted the bow above the river. Our outboard arms Popeyed as we twisted our oars to feather the blades. The water dimpled with eight perfect pools as we pulled ahead. “Drive Ten,” bellowed the little fellow in the back. We strained the oars, raised the bow even higher, and roared first under the bridge to Norwich. We earned victory and free beer on the coxswain.

Ó Ó Ó

Six years earlier, my athletic career had begun in Junior High in a tough town near Chicago. By the 7th grade I had attained my full height. I was the biggest kid in the school who was not married.

The basketball coach drafted me as visions of winning danced in his head. Unfortunately, a congenital lack of both coordination and binocular vision (amblyopia) made basketball problematic. My first practice was my last. “Try football,” the coach suggested.

Next Fall I suited up in all kinds of neat football gear. First, we had to joyride the coach around on the blocking sled. This resembled an overturned automobile hood with padded poles. Then the players joyfully practiced pounding each other into the mud.

In Illinois, tackle football was played in Junior High. Also, real men did not wear facemasks. Nothing like a bust in the mouth to get your motor running. I started as nose tackle and the right side pulling guard. The nose tackle’s job is to slam the opposing center to the ground, then vault over him to grapple whoever has the ball. The offensive role of pulling guard was even more fun. When the play worked, you would go left and charge down the line of scrimmage to T-bone your unwary target.

These contact skills prepared me for competition down theroad.

Blessed with lightning reflexes, I am a length ahead into the first turn. I usually led in the beginning then “worked my way back.” But not tonight.

I downshift to third, steer right and lean left, and extend my left leg to plow my steel shoe. High revs drive the back wheel out the other way. A classic dirt track power slide. This scrubs off just enough speed to get around the corner. Good thing: flat track bikes have no brakes.

The second place rider comes in way too hot and highsides into the wall behind me. Hasta la Vista, baby.

With only ten laps on a tiny 1/10th mile oval I don’t have to be fast. I just have to stay first. Dive for the groove. GO LEFT.

I moved to California the Summer before high school. When football started, I was the freshman team’s only experienced tackle ball player. I averaged over a sack per game.

In the Spring I made the freshman track team. Ran the 100 and threw the little 8 pound shot a mighty 30 feet or so. This was OK until a pair of hulking Neanderthal adolescents appeared at one meet. They threw in the 38-39 range. I was so steamed by their performance, I scooped up the steel ball, pirouetted like Discabolus and threw 42 feet to win the event.

My joy was short-lived. The coach had seen my throw and royally chewed my posterior for “cheating.” Allegedly, I had failed to “put” the shot and was disqualified.

I chewed back, demanding he prove it. He produced a rulebook and terminated my track career on the spot.

By the second lap I am hitting 50 mph in the straight-aways. I grandly slide the turns for both debonair photo ops and to block passers. Several riders behind me get tangled up. They go down in a heap. Via con dios, muchachos.

One rider keeps challenging my lead. Outside. Underneath. Even banging into my back tire. No way, Jose! This trophy is mine.

As my high school teammates grew larger, my injuries increased. When the pain began to disrupt my sleep, I decided to become an operetta star. So much for sports.

Ó Ó Ó

Dartmouth rekindled my sporting instincts. During Carnival there were acrobatics on snowy hills and striking a pose for visitors on the ice statues. Of course, any outdoor beer was discreetly consumed from a coffee mug. Other winter sports included sidewalk ice sliding, bicycle racing in the dorm and diving out windows into snow of hopefully sufficient depth.

A warm weather favorite was body surfing in Queechy Gorge. Just like riding the breakers in California until you came upon a rock. Then one attempted a dolphin leap over the mossy obstacle, slithering like Plastic Man.

In the motorsport realm, I once made it to Colby Jr. in 29 minutes. That was on a 500 Triumph twin. Four years later I opened a motorcycle shop. Who says you cannot develop vocational expertise in the Ivy League?

Everything hurts from concentrating so hard. A blink of inattention and you get passed. Or worse.

I still lead into the final turn. The crowd is on its many feet. I extend my left leg for the picturesque dirt track slide. My steel shoe sparks. I’m sideways. I see the checkered flag 40 yards ahead. I’m gonna win! What the Hell is that?

Repeated blows pound my outstretched leg. I look down to see an ugly black thing grow under me. Nasty Number Two wedges his front tire up next to my sliding motorcycle, pushing me out of the groove. This spinning wheel of death is headed for my crotch!

Buzz saw images flood my brain. Will it chew into my privates? A childless future flashes before my eyes.

Forget that. I am going to Make My Day.

Entwined closer than a Green Key couple, we slide around the last turn. My mind shuts out all sound and slows the action. I force my bike to lean even further, pushing against the competitor’s wheel until it washes out. Number Two separates and goes down hard. I gas my bike to wheelie across the finish line. The crowd roars.

I somehow slow down without falling off, get back to the Trophy Girl and pop my helmet for the smooch. After a daughterly peck on the cheek, she hands me a dazzling two-foot tall First Place trophy. I jam its simulated marble base into my leather jacket and take off around the track, waving to my newfound fans. The trophy’s goldtoned shaft hangs out in front, a manly confirmation of my awesome skill, at last.

This was my first and final racing victory.

Legendary motorcycle racer Dick Mann once said that this sport was made to order for competitive guys with little athletic ability. It worked for me.

Chuck Carroll

Walnut Creek, California December 200

CHARLES' WORK

MY DAY ON A DOODLE BUG

Spring, 1956. Kankakee, Illinois.

I am training to be a juvenile delinquent and auto mechanic. Of course, I was getting straight A’s in Jr. High because that’s what our family did.

Through a random genetic occurrence I had reached full adult height the year before. I was the tallest kid in the school.

Combing my DA one day, I was reading the latest Junior Scholastic. The cover story featured guys my age doing motorcycle drill team stuff on “Doodle Bugs.” They weren’t kidding: these scooters were bug-like. But it sure looked like fun!

I forgot about it. My Dad had taken a job in California, and we were going on An Airplane (!) to join him in June.

We moved into a place big enough for all of us in Walnut Creek, CA. School hadn’t started, and I didn’t know anybody. I read the local paper out of boredom. Wait! What was this? Rhett-White Ford in Walnut Creek sponsored THE Doodle Bug Club of America.

That afternoon I biked to the Ford dealer. He told me about the club and invited me to go along when they performed at an AMA mile race at Bay Meadows.

On Race Day all the members and their Doodle Bugs met at the Ford dealership. An old Greyhound bus with a crane on the roof was loaded up with scooters, some on top, some inside.

On the way Pete Jensen told me he could help me mount a bigger carb when I got my Bug. Jim Howe told me we could “whip out the cam and grind more duration into the intake lobe.” This was hot stuff!

During warm up I was taught how to ride. This consisted of “go down there, turn around and come back.” Everything was fine until turning and stopping exceeded my skill level. My shoe jammed into a retaining wall and the sole came loose. But I didn’t damage the Doodle Bug.

Before the Main Event, the club performed. My job was to ride a back-up Bug to the drill team area, then crouch out of the way.

The team did its maneuvers including the figure 8. Eventually Dave Pringle jumped over four guys laying on the asphalt. Everyone remounted and The Club rode off to applause.

“Quick,” the sponsor told me, “You’re supposed to go with them!” OK, sure. Now how do you start this thing? “Push me,” I yelled. “Can’t do it,” was the reply, “Centrifugal clutch.”

Several dozen kicks later I took off after the Doodle Bug formation, now 200 yards ahead. I got down low over the handlebars, accelerating over 20 MPH. Being tall, I hung out some distance ahead of the Doodle Bug. The sole of my shoe, damaged during the training session, flapped in the breeze. One lone Doodle Bug, playing catch up. A noise filled my ears. I looked back to see 5,000 race fans laughing at me.

I was never able to afford a whole Doodle Bug. I did buy an official motor complete with the kickstarter. I bolted it to the bench in our garage and serenaded the neighborhood for months, until I got the burned-up Cushman. But that’s another story.

Chuck Carroll Walnut Creek, California 1993

The author went on to race short track and moto-cross and even opened his own shop in Davis, CA. He recently ran into Club member Jim Howe. Jim goes to Bonneville every year and holds a class record just shy of 300 mph. Not on a Doodle Bug, however

CONTEST ANSWER

[From Gus] I made up this puzzle after visiting a Temple in Bali where numerous monkeys were stealing objects from the visitors: glasses, hats, flip-flops, cameras - anything they could get their hands on. The question I posed was: What motivates the monkeys to steal the visitors' possessions?

Chuck Carroll (parody of a song by The Monkees):

Hey, hey, we're Temple Monkeys
And people say we monkey around,
But we're too busy stealing
To put your valuables down.

We’re trained by the tour guides

To grab your best stuff.

They’ll sell it back to you

When we’ve stolen enough.

***

Dan's Contest Question

As an Elder in your family, what advice do you give (or would you give) to your children, grandchildren, nephews, and nieces to help them safely navigate the turbulent conditions of today's world?

Predictions. As oldsters we pretty much know what's going to happen. But nobody is interested. Keep your predictions a secret. You may use them for investment purposes.

Tasks. "Don't do things right. Do the right thing." We waste time gilding the lily when nobody wanted one in the first place.

Politics. “Do not judge a man until you walk in a mile in his moccasins.“ (“Judge Softly” by Mary T. Lathrap) Unfortunately, political discussion has devolved into hateful rhetoric. Here's a tip for Rationalists: try on being your opponent. For example, I am against Federal budget deficits. They damage oldsters with inflation and higher taxes. So, I am a Fiscal Conservative with No Party Affiliation. But some folks–Progressives, among others–are happy to use deficits to help the less fortunate and fund other programs. I suggest becoming a Progressive for a day. Embrace their views and hoped-for results. Imagine hearing “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys. Get warm tummy feelings. You won’t change your position, but you may learn to talk to opponents without losing your stuff. (For more ideas, see Serenity, below.)

Religion. Embrace all Beliefs. Most Terrorists are jacked-up Fundamentalists. Our safety depends on keeping them non-violent. So, tell them they are fine. Problem solved. A Canadian relative had these thoughts on Belief: “You must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” (This joke is a textbook paraprosdokian. Google it.)

Problem people. "That's just the way some people are." (Carey Rundle, a dear relative.) This mantra will save you years of wasted time. Nosy neighbor, obnoxious relative, or serial killer? Nothing we can do about them. Just move along to something you actually enjoy.

Health-Medical. There are two kinds of people: those who get colonoscopies and those who don’t. That pretty much says it all. There is positive mental attitude advice in the Good Book: “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine/ But a broken spirit drieth the bones.” [Proverbs 17:22] And don’t forget Brother Ben: "Eat to live, don't live to eat." Throw in life-long learning and you have “Mens sana in corpore sano.” [“A healthy mind in a healthy body”.] Who can't remember our Latin Club banquets, especially the toga parties after dark in the diving pool?

Health-Injuries. Falls and motor vehicle accidents are the worst risks for oldsters. My last serious injury combined both. A competitor crashed in front of me, I ran over his bike and fell, then the next four riders ran over my left ankle. It still aches 53 years later. Avoid motorcycle racing.

Goals. Be meaningful and specific. Avoid "Live a long time." Instead "Live to dance at granddaughter’s wedding. She just turned 7.”

Purpose of life. Procreate. (Tom Wolfe, Bonfire of the Vanities) Practice early and oftWisest Generation.en.

Serenity. You've earned it. I am told AA has a prayer on this. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”(c)

Burst into the Future with a resounding Om-pah.

Enjoy being part of The Wisest Generation!

CHuck CARROLL

chuck's work

Wall Street Journal on Free Speech

12 AI Questions

chuck's work

IF I WERE KING

charles work

Life is Uncertain. Eat Dessert First

Disney's (and chuck's) mermaids

CHARLES' WORK

Ahead of the Curve Looking Back,

CHARLES' WORK

Accidental Athlete

CHARLES' WORK

CHuck CARROLL

chuck's work

Wall Street Journal on Free Speech

12 AI Questions

chuck's work

IF I WERE KING

charles work

Life is Uncertain. Eat Dessert First

Disney's (and chuck's) mermaids

CHARLES' WORK

Ahead of the Curve Looking Back,

CHARLES' WORK

Accidental Athlete

CHARLES' WORK

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