KEN EULIE

THE DIRT BOYS

A play in one scene by Ken Eulie

CHARACTERS

KEN, 65

JOHN (Murf), 65

Miriam, 85

TIME

The present, afternoon

PLACE

The side yard of a suburban home.

Scene I-1: Two men are standing at the edge of the yard, holding small toy car suitcases. 

KEN

It feels like we were here just a few days ago, Murf.

john

Fifty-five years, Ken. We were last here fifty-five years ago. 

ken

Your old house is still yellow. The new owners never changed the color.

john

(Sighs)

My old house. Ouch. I miss my mom.

ken

Should we not go through with this? We can just walk away, go out to lunch and call it a day. Don’t put yourself through this. Let’s go to Harrison’s for a roast beef sandwich.

(JOHN sets his case down and blows his nose)

JOHN

No, I want to do it. We’ve been talking about it for months. It would feel wrong to back out now.

ken

(Reluctantly)

Alright.

john

Did you bring anything to make roads with?

(The men walk into the yard)

ken

(Pulling a block out of his coat pocket)

A two by four block. Just like the old days. Perfect width for a two-lane highway.

john

Nice. We can share it. Just like the old days. I’ll set up over here in my old spot.

ken

About those old days…I’m reminded of that time we were out here, and your brothers were shooting at us from their bedroom window?

john

With the 22. Yep. Good thing they missed us.

ken

They were wild. Our parents had no idea what danger we were in, playing with cars in the dirt. I could have gone home at suppertime with a hole in my head after playing here.

john

We survived. That was the day we got the yellow horse trailers at Liggett’s Rexall. Remember? We dodged their bullets and ran for our bikes and rode downtown.

ken

You could say Matchbox cars saved our lives. It’s funny how we associate times in our lives with our toy cars.

john

And then there was Martin Luther King’s assassination. We found the Mercury wagons that afternoon, at Cole’s Hardware. 

ken

The green ones with the collies in the way back. My brother was with us and he knocked the Matchbox display clear off the counter.

John

Mr. Cole had a fit. 

ken

He was always clearing his throat and watching us kids, like a hawk stalking a field rat. 

john

Especially around the toys.

ken

That crashing display made a racket.

john

We ran for it out of the store.

ken

Remember the moon landing? And Ted Kennedy’s driving off that bridge? That was quite a week. We had our own Cape Kennedy and Chappaquiddick Bridge out here in the dirt.

john

John, we were creating art reflecting life. 

ken

Processing the world with the help of little metal diecast cars.

john

And models. We were always building car models. AMT and Revell with Testers paints in those little bottles.

ken

The Gulf station was giving away cardboard models of the Lunar Excursion Module. We built them on your screened porch.

john

Life was simple and fun. No internet. No cable television.

ken

We had the whole town a bike ride away. We grew up in a Disney movie.

john

How about that time we rode to the dump and saw the trucks dumping Gillette shaving cream rejects, thousands of cans, into a hole in the ground?

ken

The Hot One. It was their new miracle product that came out of the can piping hot somehow. Imagine what sort of chemical disaster that stuff is leaching into our aquifer.

john

Right. But we went back and dug up a bunch of cans for Halloween use.

ken

My dad thought I was too old to be playing with you in the dirt. I had to sneak out of the house with my case of cars. Remember that time he caught us?

john

Yeah. He walked up to us here with that scary look he always had, and you stood up and were hiding your Matchboxes in your fists behind your back.

Ken

He was wearing his black furry Russian ear muff hat, a polyester pullover, and his white Sansibelt slacks. 

john

His uniform. He was terrifying.

ken

He wore the same outfit whether he was going to church on Sunday or snow blowing the driveway. That was dad’s idea of class. Polyester and Sansibelt slacks.

john

He made you show him what you were hiding, like it was cigarettes or drugs.

ken

He smacked them out of my hands onto the ground and walked away, shaking his head in disappointment.

john

It was hard to watch.

ken

I can still hear him. ‘Get on the football team and honor roll. Date a cheerleader and get a part time job. Act like an adult. Don’t let me catch you playing with toy cars in the dirt!’

john

Imagine if he could see you now. Sixty-five years old and still playing in the dirt with cars…with me. 

(Both men laugh)

john

You did date a beautiful girl and you worked at Rose Glen Dairy.

ken

You’re right. I wasn’t a complete disappointment. I was a soda jerk. Fun job.

john

You gave me extra hot fudge and whipped cream.

ken

Hey, why did we lose touch after high school?

john

Wheels, work, and women. Well, not so much women for me.

ken

Makes sense. We had real cars to drive around. And I got married and had a life of cub scout meetings and mini vans. No regrets but it was like falling into rapids in a river.

john

Of course. You had a family. Ken, I have something important I gotta tell you. 

ken

So, tell me.

john

You remember I did not date a lot.

ken

Wait. I need to scrape a parking lot here for the Showcase. Okay. Yeah, now that you mention it. I suppose you didn’t go on a lot of dates. So what. You were shy.

john

You’re not gonna like this. Brace yourself.

ken

You’re scaring me.

john

You may have already guessed it, actually.

ken

Just tell me already.

john

Ken, after all these years, I want you to know this about me.

ken

And I want you to tell me.

john

I want you to know who I am. The whole Murf, so to speak.

ken

I can’t wait. Whatever it is, can’t be that bad. I’ve known you since Lyndon Johnson was president. What could it be?

john

I think I’m gay.

ken

Oh.

john

Oh? That’s it?

ken

Oh, and thank God.

john

What? You’re not shocked?

ken

God no. I’m relieved.

john

Relieved? Why relieved?

ken

I thought you were going to tell me you went over to the dark side.

john

The dark side of what?

ken

Car brands. I thought you were gonna say you became a Chevy man.

john

No. Still Fords, all the way. Geez. I’m almost disappointed you’re not shocked on the gay thing.

ken

Sorry, man. I’m too old to be shocked by that. Let me try and muster a bit more shock reaction.

john

No, that’s okay. I don’t want false shock either.

ken

I’m sorry, John. You’re Murf. We’ve been friends for half a century. We’ve been shot at by your three crazy brothers. We got thrown out of Doyle Lumber for abusing their soda machine.

john

That was exciting. All over a twenty-five cent Orange Crush.

ken

I loved Orange Crush. And Scooter Pies.

john

And Bing cherries from Purity Supreme. Playing Monkey in the Middle. Swimming at Pomps Pond.

ken

The Polio Pit!

john

Yep. Playing army in the woods. Building go-karts. Lots of go-karts.

ken

My dad got so mad when we left his tools to rust in the yard. Life was good. 

john

Ha! One time we made a go-kart out of his new extension ladder!

ken

He was so pissed. So how long have you been gay?

john

The whole time. I fought it for a while.

ken

You got a boyfriend?

john

Not really. I met a guy in detox, but I think he was just pretending to like me to bum cigarettes.

ken

Not cool, man. Murf. Don’t look now but we have been noticed.

john

(John looks towards the house and sees a senior woman looking out a window at them)

Uh oh.

ken

I know we expected this, but I am still embarrassed. Man, this is awkward. What were we thinking?

john

Relax. What’s she going to do, call the cops?

ken

Yes. That’s what I would do if I saw two strange creepy old guys playing with cars in my yard. What the hell were we thinking!

john

(John laughs as he waves to the woman in the window)

I don’t think we’ll go to jail for this, Ken. Besides, the cops all know us in town. We grew up here.

ken

They knew us, John. Past tense. The cops our age are all retired. The average age of the police force now is twenty-three. Half our age. 

john

No, more like a third our age, Ken. 

ken

And they are a by-the-book lot and very officious. Very officious! What in Sam Tarnation were we thinking?

john

She’s coming out. Courage, old man.

ken

Should we start packing up our cars? I’m gonna start packing up my cars.

john

No! I have a lot of work into my part of Dirtville.  

ken

We are in big trouble. I am feeling ridiculous suddenly, Murf. We gotta go. We gotta go now! We can make a run for it before the cops get here.

miriam

(Coming outside to the side yard)

Excuse me. What is going on here? This is private property.

ken

We were just leaving, ma’am. So sorry for the intrusion and inconvenience. 

(MIRIAM looks closer at the roads and cars positioned around the town)

miriam

Hold on. What is all this? You’ve made a wee village, it looks like.

john

Yes, ma’am. Let me explain. This is a revisiting of our childhood sort of thing. I lived here many years ago. 

miriam

Here? In my house?

john

Yes. This was my childhood home.

ken

We spent our summers, here in this yard, building towns for our cars.

miriam

My word, this is so dear. Please, don’t run off now. May I have a car to drive?

ken

We’re so glad you like what we’ve done. Here, take my Rolls Royce Silver Shadow.

miriam

Oh, that’s much too fancy. A plain old Chevy, if you’ve got one.

john

Here you go. A yellow taxi cab.

miriam

That’s lovely, dear. Thank you. I’ll drive carefully. If I’m not mistaken, it looks like you’ve made our town. That’s Chandler Road and this must be Beacon Street.

john

Yes, that’s right. And this is Main Street.

miriam

Of course. I see Shawsheen Plaza there with DeMoulas supermarket and the Woolworth’s beside it and there’s Cole’s hardware store. That must be the McDonalds. You made the arches from wee twigs.

ken

Yes, I made the arches.

miriam

Would you boys like some lunch? I can make you a bologna sandwich with a nice glass of chocolate milk. I use Nestles.

ken

Can you cut the sandwiches on the diagonal; the way John’s mom used to do? And a slash of yellow mustard on the bologna.

miriam

That shouldn’t be a problem, dear. Maybe I can even rustle up a twinkie or a Yodel for dessert. My name is Miriam, by the way. I’ll call you boys when lunch is ready.

john and ken

Thank you, Miriam!

ken

I told you everything would be fine.

john

Look at us! I’m driving to the Dirtville deli in my 61 Lincoln Continental. Ken, I’m glad we did this.

ken

Me too, Murf. Sorry dad!

The End 

CONTEST #2  Conventional Poetry Contest

General Topic: Your relationship with nature. It can be as mundane as mowing the lawn or as exotic as swimming naked in an Alaskan mountain lake.

Length and form: Whatever you  choose.

NO AI.

 Fed Kolouch

 SHOOTING STAR

Was walking alone

Minding my P's and Q's

Not even thinking

About an offer I'd refuse

There was no moon,

But Venus was shining bright

Then I got hit

By a shooting star last night

It came from outer space

and exploded in my face

It knocked me off my feet

I felt a burning heat

I watched shadows disappear

And everything get bright,

When I got hit

By a shooting star last night

.

I just went out

For a walk around the block,

Now my life has turned around

By a big electric shock.

I didn't know

I was whistling in the dark;

I didn't know

The shift was still in park.

So I'm giving in

without a fight

'cause I got hit

By a shooting star last night.

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