WINNERS OF THE DECEMBER BEST JOKE CONTEST

***The Number 1 winner is Don Bross (Dartmouth, Class of 1964)

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”

“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.”

“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”

“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.”

***Runners-up include the following:

2. Richard Lassow: 

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet...

3.  David Plavin: 

Three old guys in a bar comparing notes on their medical woes:

First guy: My doctor is so big it takes six months to get to see him.

Second guy: My doctor is so big it takes a year to get to see him.

Third guy: My doctor is so big nobody's ever seen him.

4.  Alfred Horowitz:

BAD NEWS WORSE NEWS DOCTOR STORY

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you.

Patient: Ok, hit me with the bad news first.

Doctor: You only have 24 hrs to live

Patient:  My God, what could be worse than that?

Doctor:  I should have told you yesterday

5. Bruce Michel (and others):

a. A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

b. A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

c. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says, "Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "Why would you have a drink named Fred?"

d. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here?”

e. A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “Is this stool taken?” 

6. Doug Raybeck:

There was an old male turkey who suffered from a very irritated throat.  After a time, his throat became so sore that he could no longer make the traditional gobble-gobble sound and began to sound like a young chicken.  

In addition to being very embarrassing, this aberration led to his arrest and a charge of being a …

…peeping tom.       

   NOVEMBER CONTEST WINNER

CONTEST #2  PROSE POEM

 ON THE ELECTION SUCCESS OF DONALD J. TRUMP

David Steingass  November 2024  

While it is true he is neither my savior nor my retribution,

I have no trouble proclaiming him my once, 

future and forever personal 

floating island of garbage.

OCTOBER CONTEST WINNERS

CONTEST #1    Fictional Conversation between two people who never met; Choose A,  B, or C.

A.  Elon Musk conversing with Nikola Tesla [or Musk conversing with Thomas Edison];

B.  Two real or fictional characters of your choice; 

C.  You and a real or fictional character.

Your choice of conversation topic and length.

ENTRY 1   -Gus Buchtel   [Not eligible for a prize because he is a judge)

The Back Story: When Gus was in Scotland in early October, he looked left rather than right when crossing a busy street in Edinburgh and was flattened by a bus. He didn’t know what hit him and was surprised to find himself at the Pearly Gates, about to be interviewed by St. Peter. God happened to be doing his weekly visit to the gates and the following conversation occurred:

Gus: Whoa – Where am I?   What happened?

God: You are at the Pearly Gates and if you are approved by St. Peter, you will be admitted to Heaven. You had an unfortunate encounter with a bus while on holiday 2 minutes ago. You suffered an instant death, you will be happy to know.

Gus: But I don’t believe in Heaven – and as a matter of fact, I don’t (or at least I didn’t) believe in you either.

God: Oh, we get a lot of that up here. It doesn’t bother us in the least. Satan tells me that more than 80% of people who come down to his place also don’t believe there was any way they were going to suffer the consequences of their thieving and cheating lives.

Gus: What kinds of questions is St. Peter going to ask before letting me in? 

God: He makes up the questions and I never know what he has in store for today’s admissions (even if I am all-knowing, he sometimes surprises me).

Gus: OK, I guess I’m ready – wish me good luck.

God: You don’t seem to understand. I know everything that is going on and that will happen in the future until the end of time, so asking me to wish you good luck is kinda naïve. But looking into the future, I see you playing a harp on a cloud, so whatever St. Peter is about to ask you, you did OK.

Gus: Me playing a harp? No way. Don’t you have any pianos up here? [pretending to play the piano]. I was part of a cool combo in High School called…

      [in the original, there was an image of a business card here for "The Saints" 

      a combo Gus was part of in the late 1950s]

God: That’s enough! Don’t say it - I know the name and didn’t entirely approve of it. There was nothing saintly about you or John or Dennis – That said, Bob was a pretty good kid and he will get into Heaven without many questions when it’s his time.

Muffled voice off in the distance: I think I saw a twitch in his little finger.

Muffled voice #2: Are you sure?

THE END

Prize Winning Entry

THE DIRT BOYS

A play in one scene by Ken Eulie

CHARACTERS

KEN, 65

JOHN (Murf), 65

Miriam, 85

TIME

   The present, afternoon

PLACE

   The side yard of a suburban home.

Scene I-1: Two men are standing at the edge of the yard, holding small toy car suitcases. 

KEN

   It feels like we were here just a few days ago, Murf.

john

   Fifty-five years, Ken. We were last here fifty-five years ago. 

ken

   Your old house is still yellow. The new owners never changed the color.

john

   (Sighs)

   My old house. Ouch. I miss my mom.

ken

   Should we not go through with this? We can just walk away, go out to lunch and call it a day. Don’t put yourself through this. Let’s go to Harrison’s for a roast beef sandwich.

(JOHN sets his case down and blows his nose)

JOHN

   No, I want to do it. We’ve been talking about it for months. It would feel wrong to    back out now.

ken

   (Reluctantly)

   Alright.

john

   Did you bring anything to make roads with?

   (The men walk into the yard)

ken

   (Pulling a block out of his coat pocket)

   A two by four block. Just like the old days. Perfect width for a two-lane highway.

john

   Nice. We can share it. Just like the old days. I’ll set up over here in my old spot.

ken

   About those old days…I’m reminded of that time we were out here, and your brothers were shooting at us from their bedroom window?

john

   With the 22. Yep. Good thing they missed us.

ken

   They were wild. Our parents had no idea what danger we were in, playing with cars in the dirt. I could have gone home at suppertime with a hole in my head after playing here.

john

   We survived. That was the day we got the yellow horse trailers at Liggett’s Rexall. Remember? We dodged their bullets and ran for our bikes and rode downtown.

ken

   You could say Matchbox cars saved our lives. It’s funny how we associate times in our lives with our toy cars.

john

   And then there was Martin Luther King’s assassination. We found the Mercury wagons that afternoon, at Cole’s Hardware. 

ken

   The green ones with the collies in the way back. My brother was with us and he knocked the Matchbox display clear off the counter.

John

   Mr. Cole had a fit. 

ken

   He was always clearing his throat and watching us kids, like a hawk stalking a field rat. 

john

   Especially around the toys.

ken

   That crashing display made a racket.

john

   We ran for it out of the store.

ken

   Remember the moon landing? And Ted Kennedy’s driving off that bridge? That was quite a week. We had our own Cape Kennedy and Chappaquiddick Bridge out here in the dirt.

john

   John, we were creating art reflecting life. 

ken

   Processing the world with the help of little metal diecast cars.

john

   And models. We were always building car models. AMT and Revell with Testers paints in those little bottles.

ken

   The Gulf station was giving away cardboard models of the Lunar Excursion Module. We built them on your screened porch.

john

Life was simple and fun. No internet. No cable television.

ken

We had the whole town a bike ride away. We grew up in a Disney movie.

john

   How about that time we rode to the dump and saw the trucks dumping Gillette shaving cream rejects, thousands of cans, into a hole in the ground?

ken

The Hot One. It was their new miracle product that came out of the can piping hot somehow. Imagine what sort of chemical disaster that stuff is leaching into our aquifer.

john

 The H ot One. It was their new miracle product that came out of the can piping hot somehow. Imagine what sort of chemical disaster that stuff is leaching into our aquifer.

ken

 Right. But we went back and dug up a bunch of cans for Halloween use. I had to sneak out of the house with my case of cars. Remember that time he caught us?

john

   Yeah. He walked up to us here with that scary look he always had, and you stood up and were hiding your Matchboxes in your fists behind your back.

Ken

   He was wearing his black furry Russian ear muff hat, a polyester pullover, and his white Sansibelt slacks. 

john

   His uniform. He was terrifying.

ken

   He wore the same outfit whether he was going to church on Sunday or snow blowing the driveway. That was dad’s idea of class. Polyester and Sansibelt slacks.

john

   He made you show him what you were hiding, like it was cigarettes or drugs.

ken

  He smacked them out of my hands onto the ground and walked away, shaking his head in disappointment.

john

   It was hard to watch.

ken

   I can still hear him. ‘Get on the football team and honor roll. Date a cheerleader and get a part time job. Act like an adult. Don’t let me catch you playing with toy cars in the dirt!’

john

   Imagine if he could see you now. Sixty-five years old and still playing in the dirt with cars…with me. 

(Both men laugh)

john

You did date a beautiful girl and you worked at Rose Glen Dairy.

ken

 You    did date a beautiful girl and you worked at Rose Glen Dairy.a jerk. Fun job.

john

You gave me extra hot fudge and whipped cream.

ken

Hey, why did we lose touch after high school?

john

   You gave me extra hot fudge and whipped cream.ol? women for me.

ken

   Makes sense. We had real cars to drive around. And I got married and had a life of cub scout meetings and mini vans. No regrets but it was like falling into rapids in a river.

john

   Of course. You had a family. Ken, I have something important I gotta tell you. 

ken

   So, tell me.

john

   You remember I did not date a lot.

ken

   Wait. I need to scrape a parking lot here for the Showcase. Okay. Yeah, now that you mention it. I suppose you didn’t go on a lot of dates. So what. You were shy.

john

   You’re not gonna like this. Brace yourself.

ken

   You’re scaring me.

john

   You may have already guessed it, actually.

ken

   Just tell me already.

john

   Ken, after all these years, I want you to know this about me.

ken

And I want you to tell me.

john

I want you to know who I am. The whole Murf, so to speak.

ken

I can’t wait. Whatever it is, can’t be that bad. I’ve known you since Lyndon Johnson was president. What could it be?

john

I think I’m gay.

ken

Oh.

john

Oh? That’s it?

ken

Oh, and thank God.

john

What? You’re not shocked?

ken

God no. I’m relieved.

john

Relieved? Why relieved?

ken

I thought you were going to tell me you went over to the dark side.

john

The dark side of what?

ken

Car brands. I thought you were gonna say you became a Chevy man.

john

No. Still Fords, all the way. Geez. I’m almost disappointed you’re not shocked on the gay thing.

ken

Sorry, man. I’m too old to be shocked by that. Let me try and muster a bit more shock reaction.

john

No, that’s okay. I don’t want false shock either.

ken

I’m sorry, John. You’re Murf. We’ve been friends for half a century. We’ve been shot at by your three crazy brothers. We got thrown out of Doyle Lumber for abusing their soda machine.

john

That was exciting. All over a twenty-five cent Orange Crush.

ken

I loved Orange Crush. And Scooter Pies.

john

And Bing cherries from Purity Supreme. Playing Monkey in the Middle. Swimming at Pomps Pond.

ken

The Polio Pit!

john

Yep. Playing army in the woods. Building go-karts. Lots of go-karts.

ken

My dad got so mad when we left his tools to rust in the yard. Life was good. 

john

Ha! One time we made a go-kart out of his new extension ladder!

ken

He was so pissed. So how long have you been gay?

john

The whole time. I fought it for a while.

ken

You got a boyfriend?

john

Not really. I met a guy in detox, but I think he was just pretending to like me to bum cigarettes.

ken

Not cool, man. Murf. Don’t look now but we have been noticed.

john

(John looks towards the house and sees a senior woman looking out a window at them)

Uh oh.

ken

I know we expected this, but I am still embarrassed. Man, this is awkward. What were we thinking?

john

Relax. What’s she going to do, call the cops?

ken

Yes. That’s what I would do if I saw two strange creepy old guys playing with cars in my yard. What the hell were we thinking!

john

(John laughs as he waves to the woman in the window)

I don’t think we’ll go to jail for this, Ken. Besides, the cops all know us in town. We grew up here.

ken

They knew us, John. Past tense. The cops our age are all retired. The average age of the police force now is twenty-three. Half our age. 

john

No, more like a third our age, Ken. 

ken

And they are a by-the-book lot and very officious. Very officious! What in Sam Tarnation were we thinking?

john

She’s coming out. Courage, old man.

ken

Should we start packing up our cars? I’m gonna start packing up my cars.

john

No! I have a lot of work into my part of Dirtville.  

ken

We are in big trouble. I am feeling ridiculous suddenly, Murf. We gotta go. We gotta go now! We can make a run for it before the cops get here.

miriam

(Coming outside to the side yard)

Excuse me. What is going on here? This is private property.

ken

We were just leaving, ma’am. So sorry for the intrusion and inconvenience. 

(MIRIAM looks closer at the roads and cars positioned around the town)

miriam

Hold on. What is all this? You’ve made a wee village, it looks like.

john

Yes, ma’am. Let me explain. This is a revisiting of our childhood sort of thing. I lived here many years ago. 

miriam

Here? In my house?

john

Yes. This was my childhood home.

ken

We spent our summers, here in this yard, building towns for our cars.

miriam

My word, this is so dear. Please, don’t run off now. May I have a car to drive?

ken

We’re so glad you like what we’ve done. Here, take my Rolls Royce Silver Shadow.

miriam

Oh, that’s much too fancy. A plain old Chevy, if you’ve got one.

john

Here you go. A yellow taxi cab.

miriam

That’s lovely, dear. Thank you. I’ll drive carefully. If I’m not mistaken, it looks like you’ve made our town. That’s Chandler Road and this must be Beacon Street.

john

Yes, that’s right. And this is Main Street.

miriam

Of course. I see Shawsheen Plaza there with DeMoulas supermarket and the Woolworth’s beside it and there’s Cole’s hardware store. That must be the McDonalds. You made the arches from wee twigs.

ken

Yes, I made the arches.

miriam

Would you boys like some lunch? I can make you a bologna sandwich with a nice glass of chocolate milk. I use Nestles.

ken

Can you cut the sandwiches on the diagonal; the way John’s mom used to do? And a slash of yellow mustard on the bologna.

miriam

That shouldn’t be a problem, dear. Maybe I can even rustle up a twinkie or a Yodel for dessert. My name is Miriam, by the way. I’ll call you boys when lunch is ready.

john and ken

Thank you, Miriam!

ken

I told you everything would be fine.

john

Look at us! I’m driving to the Dirtville deli in my 61 Lincoln Continental. Ken, I’m glad we did this.

ken

Me too, Murf. Sorry dad!

The End 

CONTEST #2   Conventional Poetry Contest

General Topic: Your relationship with nature. It can be as mundane as mowing the lawn or as exotic as swimming naked in an Alaskan mountain lake.

Length and form: Whatever you  choose.

NO AI.

 Fed Kolouch

 SHOOTING STAR

Was walking alone

Minding my P's and Q's

Not even thinking

About an offer I'd refuse

There was no moon,

But Venus was shining bright

Then I got hit

By a shooting star last night

It came from outer space

and exploded in my face

It knocked me off my feet

I felt a burning heat

I watched shadows disappear

And everything get bright,

When I got hit

By a shooting star last night

.

I just went out

For a walk around the block,

Now my life has turned around

By a big electric shock.

I didn't know

I was whistling in the dark;

I didn't know

The shift was still in park.

So I'm'cause I got hit

By a shooting star last night.

lyric by Fred Kolouch '64  giving in

without a fight

ENTRY 2  David Steingass  (Four Poems)

David Steingass

1 Cathedral Gate

2 Paella 

Wood-smoked mussels gurgle through rice dunes  

3 Men and Women at the Town Well

4 Bees among Fallen Loquats

5 Heart-high Bullet Scars (Cathedral Gate Detail)

THREE ROLLS OF FILM IN ISTANBUL

1

Ardahl leads us into the Blue Mosque through stiff camel leather-door flaps. Shows the best light along Hagia Sofia’s walls. Tells how to respect cisterns as desert holy sites. Danger by the Bosphorus, he smiles.

2

Men with wooden knife scabbards drag sheep out of sight that reappear gleaming on Ramadan spits. Soldiers link elbows and stroll holding hands. Slung upside-down, their rifles tangle like costume jewelry.

3

Musicians’ open mouths reveal rifle butt-sized spaces. This surprising life, they sing, their gypsy castanets playing the rhythms of Dixieland jazz. Lizard-shaped sentry eyes sweep the crowd for shark fins. 

FIVE SHOTS OF FOLKLORE STRAIGHT UP 

He kissed me four times, she said, her voice like a night train’s whistle through mountains. Once for each cheek. 

IQ, she said. That’s your chainsaw’s teeth times half your truck’s cylinders? He’s just went out back to count up is all. 

The night before he left, the stillness felt more exciting than ambition.

A good party, Serbians say, you dance barefoot on broken glass until your feet bleed. The Irish see everybody dead who belongs to them.

Army defirment test question: Star is to firmament as step is to ladder. Yes or No. 

PRAIRIE LIGHT 

                       ––Art Sinsabaugh, 11 Midwest Photographs

Morning’s silver dollar-glisten flips bright as a boy’s naivete and sharp 

as a girl’s appetite for romance.

High noon steams bur oak canapes and melts the barn roofs’ smoldering 

tarpaper edges.

Twilight congeals into dust pudding thick enough to stall railroad cars

 caught on the horizon. 

l moon picks through fish skeletons flopping in water-

colored dust. 

Midnight’s ful

ENTRY 3

Wendell Smith

 Candy Factory

The hills are bubbling a confection

poured to a pan cooled cut and eaten.

that has reached hard balled perfection 

and is ready to be beaten

Now that the maples’ orange and crimson,

has been, by wind, whipped to ground;

now, as when penuchi nears completion

although its bubbles roil

and hold their breaths to linger,

now, a beech and oaken splendor

has these hills once more a-boil.

Yet, while these whose grandeur follows glory

may hold their sienna shapes for longer,

they too will soon be stripped

by late fall storms 

which give the scene a final frosting

and leave these leaves

a winter long snow covered

where they become of earth

as they have been earth colored.

Become the earth 

from which they’ll spring

again to summer salad green

and with light’s touch

start sugars synthesizing

out of thin air and water from roots rising;

then, following its swing 

from equinox to zenith and return,

they’ll ripen under autumn’s Sun

that we may taste them in their season 

feast our eyes and know our reason. 

An Ode to Old Blue

All four wheels went round and round

You looked so sweet sitting on the ground

The bubble suction compass I bought with cash

fit so nicely on top of the dash

The Kraco eight track player played Barry Manilow

and those beefy Goodyear sneakers never got stuck in the snow

Bucket seats, three speed stick, that thundering two barrel six

It's amazing we never got any speeding tix

You were mine for ten years from 16 to 26

They were ten great years, memories full of kicks 

SEPTEMBER CONTEST WINNERS

Contest #1  (Gus)

A Puzzle - Monkey Thievery - WHY?

[From Gus] I made up this puzzle after visiting a Temple in Bali where numerous monkeys were stealing objects from the visitors: glasses, hats, flip-flops, cameras - anything they could get their hands on. The question I posed was: What motivates the monkeys to steal the visitors' possessions?  Contestants were asked to explain in 1 or 2 succinct sentences the motivation at this particular temple that puts  visitors at risk for monkey theft. The first one to answer would win a fancy OldeGoats Coffee Mug. I was so impressed by two of the responses that I'm going to announce two winners, each earning an OldeGoats Mug.

The first person to send a clear answer was Paul Brown:

Hi Gus,

My contest #1 response.

Many years ago in that temple you visited in Bali a monkey took a pair of glasses from a tourist and was subsequently (and unwittingly) rewarded by a temple guide who lured the monkey with a tasty treat which was traded for the glasses.  Upon returning the glasses to the tourist, the temple guide was rewarded with a grateful tip from the tourist, and it was ‘monkey see, monkey do’ from that time forward.

Within hours a succinct answer was sent by Richard Scaramelli:

Gus,
Methinks the issue is mere transactionalism, or more academically, operant conditioning: the original monkey was "rewarded" for his discovery/thievery by a guide's "bribe" -- a banana, a mango, a shiny bauble, etc.  This handy life lesson was then picked up the community of monkeys, who added further refinements, such as a purloined cell phone being "worth" more bananas than a wide brim straw hat. ("Scratch my back, and I'll scratch your Bali")

To see what this thievery looks like, watch the following video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4X7o8yGQ9E

Honorable Mention goes to Ed Gingras, who pointed out that in India he had seen monkeys used by clever thieves to steal objects for a reward. His answer was so close.  Ed deserves Honorable Mention for his insight that the monkeys aren't stealing objects because they like them; they are stealing because they get a reward (likely food) in exchange for the object.

Other answers from funny to informative:

Randy Weingarten: Temple Monkeys in Bali have a reputation for thievery. Some say it’s either in-bred, trained, or a collusion with keepers: trading iPhones for bananas. I believe it’s the voice of Balinese shamans, welcoming visitors with playful gongs and monkey screeches, while relieving them of modern relics, best reserved for the Kingdoms underground. 

Richard Lessow:  Once again can’t resist.  It’s possible that the monkeys found a mirror in the purse which continued to provide them amusement while holding or wearing future stolen items.   

Chuck Carroll (parody of a song by The Monkees):

Hey, hey, we're Temple Monkeys
And people say we monkey around,
But we're too busy stealing
To put your valuables down.

[. . .]

We’re trained by the tour guides

To grab your best stuff.

They’ll seWhen we’ve stolen enough.

Dave Hope: I encountered similar monkey thieves in Cambodia and Nepal.   The motive for food thefts was obvious.  As for other items, they seemed to enjoy teasing humans and particularly liked to steal shiny objects.ll it back to you

Fred Kolo: To Gus and all:  I was in Bali in 1969 or 70.  Perhaps the training had not yet begun, or not yet succeeded.  The monkeys were charming but I don't recall any theft.  

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Contest #2  (Dan)

A Writing Contest for Fun and Olde Goat Mugs

Use your imagination to complete the story

Here is the jumping- off paragraph:

The day after Joan flew to California for her annual month-long visit with the grandbabies, her treasured dog Honey disappeared.  John knew that she placed her dog on the same podium as her grandchildren. He had to find the dog. The next day he took Honey’s photo to Staples and taped 50 posters to neighborhood signs and telephone poles  offering a $100 reward for the dog’s return. By Day Six, he had raised the amount to $500. The call came mid-morning:

“My name is Kat. I have your dog. We need to talk.”

Any ending is permissible EXCEPT that you cannot have Kat bring the dog home, collect the reward, and leave.

RESPONSES

(in  order of receipt)

 “Kat, you may think that you gotten my tongue, thus preventing my talking to you; but I assure you that it is firmly embedded in my cheek. Therefore, hand over my dog and you shall receive your just reward.” (tongue still in cheek).
            Richard Lessow, MD
Thanks Dan for the few minutes of levity
during these stressful time

                                                                                                               #####

When Joan left for California she moved a freshman from one of the Wigwams who had written a moving faux news page concerning the funeral of Marcus Aurelius, into her off-campus home. This coed, which she hated to be called, had been introduced to the dog successfully, so it all seemed almost pre-arranged. Little did Joan know what lay on the road ahead. Let's call the coed Danya.  It seems that every time she called she announced that Lucretia was doing splendidly and had hit it off with yet another highly pedegreed male boxer. Much further down the line Joan received a FEDEX to be at the airport on the coming Wednesday to receive the first child of Lucrezia and Brutus. The royal vet had announced the birth in the coliseum itself.  This is when she asked Joan whether the "royal offspring" should remain in Joan's now rather sad apartment, or stay in the royal palace.  That seems not really a choice since the Emperor's son has taken a liking to the new prince dog.  
Joan, by the way, has accepted a position in a junior college in Nevada.  The pay is almost negligable but she will cover the gap with a position as a waitress (they do very well there!) in the Roman Banquet Dining Hall. 

news article by Fred Kolouch,

                                                                                                                #####

I tookmistake.  Not only that, but this dog is a bitch to take care of.  If you promise not to press dog napping charges,  I'll give you $100 to take the dog back.  Meet me at the corner of 5th and Broadway to collect the dog and the $100.

Kjell Johansen

Milwaukee, WI   the dog because it looked just like the one my ex had.  I wanted revenge.  But now I know it was a 

                                                                                                                #####

 AUGUST 2024 CONTEST

Many thanks to those who  entered. Judging is complete and there are so many worthy entries we have created an "Honorable Mention" section for those who wrote a fine submission but didn't make it to the top.

Contest #1 (In Honor of Father's Day on June 16). As an Elder in your family, what advice do you give (or would you give) to your children, grandchildren, nephews, and nieces to help them safely navigate the turbulent conditions of today's world?

WINNER #1: Hugh Calkins

     Be cautious of advice from old men. 

     They’ve been around a long time, but

     they got a lot of things wrong, and

     they still do. 

[this was written before the infamous debate, but fortified by that debate)

WINNER #2: Chuck Carroll (advice for the young AND the old)

Predictions. As oldsters we pretty much know what's going to happen. But nobody is interested. Keep your predictions a secret. You may use them for investment purposes.

Tasks. "Don't do things right. Do the right thing." We waste time gilding the lily when nobody wanted one in the first place.

Politics. “Do not judge a man until you walk in a mile in his moccasins.“ (“Judge Softly” by Mary T. Lathrap) Unfortunately, political discussion has devolved into hateful rhetoric. Here's a tip for Rationalists: try on being your opponent. For example, I am against Federal budget deficits. They damage oldsters with inflation and higher taxes. So, I am a Fiscal Conservative with No Party Affiliation. But some folks–Progressives, among others–are happy to use deficits to help the less fortunate and fund other programs. I suggest becoming a Progressive for a day. Embrace their views and hoped-for results. Imagine hearing “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys. Get warm tummy feelings. You won’t change your position, but you may learn to talk to opponents without losing your stuff. (For more ideas, see Serenity, below.)

Religion. Embrace all Beliefs.  Most Terrorists are jacked-up Fundamentalists. Our safety depends on keeping them non-violent. So, tell them they are fine. Problem solved. A Canadian relative had these thoughts on Belief: “You must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” (This joke is a textbook paraprosdokian. Google it.)

Problem people. "That's just the way some people are." (Carey Rundle, a dear relative.) This mantra will save you years of wasted time. Nosy neighbor, obnoxious relative, or serial killer? Nothing we can do about them. Just move along to something you actually enjoy.

Health-Medical. There are two kinds of people: those who get colonoscopies and those who don’t. That pretty much says it all. There is positive mental attitude advice in the Good Book: “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine/ But a broken spirit drieth the bones.” [Proverbs 17:22] And don’t forget Brother Ben:  "Eat to live, don't live to eat." Throw in life-long learning and you have “Mens sana in corpore sano.”  [“A healthy mind in a healthy body”.] Who can't remember our Latin Club banquets, especially the toga parties after dark in the diving pool?

Health-Injuries. Falls and motor vehicle accidents are the worst risks for oldsters. My last serious injury combined both. A competitor crashed in front of me, I ran over his bike and fell, then the next four riders ran over my left ankle. It still aches 53 years later. Avoid motorcycle racing.

Goals. Be meaningful and specific. Avoid "Live a long time."  Instead "Live to dance at granddaughter’s wedding. She just turned 7.”

Purpose of life. Procreate. (Tom Wolfe, Bonfire of the Vanities) Practice early and oftWisest Generation.en. 

Serenity. You've earned it. I am told AA has a prayer on this. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”(c)

Burst into the Future with a resounding Om-pah.

 Enjoy being part of The  

HONORABLE MENTION (No Prize):

Dan Bell (Judge)

TRIFECTA

   Patience

   No good deed goes unpunished.

                Mike Robertson – deceased friend, fishing pier owner, and volunteer fireman

   Prudence

   24 hours from bottle to throttle

   Dorothy McManus – deceased friend and wife of Jack McManus, my flight 

   instructor and lawyer mentor

   Parsimony

   Buy dental insurance in your 50’s to avoid paying a steep price for chompers in 

   your 80’s

   This 82-year old goat, applying Occam’s Law (popular) too late

Gus Buchtel (Judge)

   Regina Brett of the Plain Dealer in Cleveland, Ohio said her most popular column

   was one in which she listed 45 lessons that life had taught her. My favorite lessons

   are two that are relevant to the question:

      30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

      31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

   So [drumroll, please], my advice to my younger relatives is simple: 

   Don't give up. 

   The rationale…

   It may be true, as Hegel wrote, that governments and people have never learned 

   from history (1), but I would argue that one can learn something very important 

   from a review of history, which is, Things may be bad but they will eventually 

   improve; things may be good but they will eventually get worse. Is this inevitable?

   I think so. George Santayana's famous claim, "Those who cannot remember the past 

   are condemned to repeat it." makes it sound as if this cycle can be interrupted if we 

   would just pay attention to history. I believe the cycles may be shortened or lengthened 

   by human actions, but they are a permanent feature of our world. So, I say, "don't give

   up" because most of the cycles of good periods and bad periods are usually responsive to 

   human action (fascism in the German Reich; Turkish massacre of the Armenians; slavery 

   in the Western world in the 18th Century; slavery everywhere else for the last 4000+ 

   years). I say "usually" because there are some horrible periods that caused by forces 

   outside our control. North Africa used to be fertile, as indicated by a branch of the Nile 

   that ran near the pyramids of Giza and it is clear that boats had to have been used to 

   bring the heavy stonework with which the pyramids were built – this river disappeared 

   in a "withering drought" around 2200 BCE (the pyramids were built around 2100 BCE). 

   I think it's fair to presume that no human action could have prevented the drought. 

   There had been a previous drought in tropical Africa 133,000-88,000 BCE, also not 

   related to human actions.

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Contest #2.  Write a clerihew (Edmund Clerihew Bentley, 1875-1956) about a well-known person (e.g., Presidential Candidate or High School teacher/Principal).

WINNER #1 (Presidential Candidate):  Richard Scaramelli

   We went to sea for Poseidon,
  But all we found was Joe Biden,
  When asked, "Where's the God?"
  He replied, "Speak to Garland, Blinken and Nod."

WINNER #2 (Presidential Candidate): Wendell Smith

   I hear tell that Donald Trump

   Has been braggin’ on the stump

   How our horizons will seem to widen,

   If we vote for him and not Joe Biden

   Meanwhile, in rebuttal Joseph Biden

   Claims he can make us seem safe, providin’

   We don’t trade in our Democracy

   For four years more of Don's hype-ocracy.

WINNER #3 (Presidential Candidate):  Ed Young 

   Though “Stormy Daniels” is her name,

   He called her “Toilet,” to defame.

   She answered with her final word,

   Who better to flush “The Big Orange Turd”?

HONORABLE MENTION (No Prize): Howard Danzig

   The Late Donald Trumpit

   Is a ne'er do well strumpit 

   With a foul smelly armptit

   Better you like it or lumpit

------------------------------------

jULY 2024

 
FIRST PLACE My 6-word story WYSIWYG. Learn frugality from telegram shortcuts. --Gus Buchtel NO OTHER ENTRIES [but that doesn't mean it wasn't a fine example! - comment by Gus  

Clerihew for High School Teachers/Administrators [No Winners]

Honorable Mention (Conflict of Interest as Judges

Dan Bell

   Our beloved Mr Hughes

   Introduced the muse

   Why he omitted the clerihew

   I haven’t a clue

Gus Buchtel

   I’m kinda disappointed in Principal Shillinglaw

   Who decided to call in the local Law

   Just because classmates (Paul D and others) as a spoof

   Put several innocent goats on the roof.

   There were two teachers in high school named Grace.

   One was a regular teacher of Latin and one wrote the  book, Peyton Place.

   While conjugating irregular verbs with Mrs. Wilson, et allius,

   We exercised our sexual imaginations with author Metalious.