THE CONTEST IS OVER...
Many thanks to those who entered. Judging is complete and there are so many worthy entries we have created an "Honorable Mention" section for those who wrote a fine submission but didn't make it to the top.
Contest #1 (In Honor of Father's Day on June 16). As an Elder in your family, what advice do you give (or would you give) to your children, grandchildren, nephews, and nieces to help them safely navigate the turbulent conditions of today's world?
WINNER #1: Hugh Calkins
Be cautious of advice from old men.
They’ve been around a long time, but
they got a lot of things wrong, and
they still do.
[this was written before the infamous debate, but fortified by that debate)
WINNER #2: Chuck Carroll (advice for the young AND the old)
Predictions. As oldsters we pretty much know what's going to happen. But nobody is interested. Keep your predictions a secret. You may use them for investment purposes.
Tasks. "Don't do things right. Do the right thing." We waste time gilding the lily when nobody wanted one in the first place.
Politics. “Do not judge a man until you walk in a mile in his moccasins.“ (“Judge Softly” by Mary T. Lathrap) Unfortunately, political discussion has devolved into hateful rhetoric. Here's a tip for Rationalists: try on being your opponent. For example, I am against Federal budget deficits. They damage oldsters with inflation and higher taxes. So, I am a Fiscal Conservative with No Party Affiliation. But some folks–Progressives, among others–are happy to use deficits to help the less fortunate and fund other programs. I suggest becoming a Progressive for a day. Embrace their views and hoped-for results. Imagine hearing “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys. Get warm tummy feelings. You won’t change your position, but you may learn to talk to opponents without losing your stuff. (For more ideas, see Serenity, below.)
Religion. Embrace all Beliefs. Most Terrorists are jacked-up Fundamentalists. Our safety depends on keeping them non-violent. So, tell them they are fine. Problem solved. A Canadian relative had these thoughts on Belief: “You must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” (This joke is a textbook paraprosdokian. Google it.)
Problem people. "That's just the way some people are." (Carey Rundle, a dear relative.) This mantra will save you years of wasted time. Nosy neighbor, obnoxious relative, or serial killer? Nothing we can do about them. Just move along to something you actually enjoy.
Health-Medical. There are two kinds of people: those who get colonoscopies and those who don’t. That pretty much says it all. There is positive mental attitude advice in the Good Book: “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine/ But a broken spirit drieth the bones.” [Proverbs 17:22] And don’t forget Brother Ben: "Eat to live, don't live to eat." Throw in life-long learning and you have “Mens sana in corpore sano.” [“A healthy mind in a healthy body”.] Who can't remember our Latin Club banquets, especially the toga parties after dark in the diving pool?
Health-Injuries. Falls and motor vehicle accidents are the worst risks for oldsters. My last serious injury combined both. A competitor crashed in front of me, I ran over his bike and fell, then the next four riders ran over my left ankle. It still aches 53 years later. Avoid motorcycle racing.
Goals. Be meaningful and specific. Avoid "Live a long time." Instead "Live to dance at granddaughter’s wedding. She just turned 7.”
Purpose of life. Procreate. (Tom Wolfe, Bonfire of the Vanities) Practice early and often.
Serenity. You've earned it. I am told AA has a prayer on this. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”(c)
Burst into the Future with a resounding Om-pah. Enjoy being part of The Wisest Generation.
HONORABLE MENTION (No Prize):
Dan Bell (Judge)
TRIFECTA
Patience
No good deed goes unpunished.
Mike Robertson – deceased friend, fishing pier owner, and volunteer fireman
Prudence
24 hours from bottle to throttle
Dorothy McManus – deceased friend and wife of Jack McManus, my flight
instructor and lawyer mentor
Parsimony
Buy dental insurance in your 50’s to avoid paying a steep price for chompers in
your 80’s
This 82-year old goat, applying Occam’s Law (popular) too late
Gus Buchtel (Judge)
Regina Brett of the Plain Dealer in Cleveland, Ohio said her most popular column
was one in which she listed 45 lessons that life had taught her. My favorite lessons
are two that are relevant to the question:
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
So [drumroll, please], my advice to my younger relatives is simple:
Don't give up.
The rationale…
It may be true, as Hegel wrote, that governments and people have never learned
from history (1), but I would argue that one can learn something very important
from a review of history, which is, Things may be bad but they will eventually
improve; things may be good but they will eventually get worse. Is this inevitable?
I think so. George Santayana's famous claim, "Those who cannot remember the past
are condemned to repeat it." makes it sound as if this cycle can be interrupted if we
would just pay attention to history. I believe the cycles may be shortened or lengthened
by human actions, but they are a permanent feature of our world. So, I say, "don't give
up" because most of the cycles of good periods and bad periods are usually responsive to
human action (fascism in the German Reich; Turkish massacre of the Armenians; slavery
in the Western world in the 18th Century; slavery everywhere else for the last 4000+
years). I say "usually" because there are some horrible periods that caused by forces
outside our control. North Africa used to be fertile, as indicated by a branch of the Nile
that ran near the pyramids of Giza and it is clear that boats had to have been used to
bring the heavy stonework with which the pyramids were built – this river disappeared
in a "withering drought" around 2200 BCE (the pyramids were built around 2100 BCE).
I think it's fair to presume that no human action could have prevented the drought.
There had been a previous drought in tropical Africa 133,000-88,000 BCE, also not
related to human actions.
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Contest #2. Write a clerihew (Edmund Clerihew Bentley, 1875-1956) about a well-known person (e.g., Presidential Candidate or High School teacher/Principal).
WINNER #1 (Presidential Candidate): Richard Scaramelli
We went to sea for Poseidon,
But all we found was Joe Biden,
When asked, "Where's the God?"
He replied, "Speak to Garland, Blinken and Nod."
WINNER #2 (Presidential Candidate): Wendell Smith
I hear tell that Donald Trump
Has been braggin’ on the stump
How our horizons will seem to widen,
If we vote for him and not Joe Biden
Meanwhile, in rebuttal Joseph Biden
Claims he can make us seem safe, providin’
We don’t trade in our Democracy
For four years more of Don's hype-ocracy.
WINNER #3 (Presidential Candidate): Ed Young
Though “Stormy Daniels” is her name,
He called her “Toilet,” to defame.
She answered with her final word,
Who better to flush “The Big Orange Turd”?
HONORABLE MENTION (No Prize): Howard Danzig
The Late Donald Trumpit
Is a ne'er do well strumpit
With a foul smelly armptit
Better you like it or lumpit
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Clerihew for High School Teachers/Administrators [No Winners]
Honorable Mention (Conflict of Interest as Judges)
Dan Bell
Our beloved Mr Hughes
Introduced the muse
Why he omitted the clerihew
I haven’t a clue
Gus Buchtel
I’m kinda disappointed in Principal Shillinglaw
Who decided to call in the local Law
Just because classmates (Paul D and others) as a spoof
Put several innocent goats on the roof.
There were two teachers in high school named Grace.
One was a regular teacher of Latin and one wrote the book, Peyton Place.
While conjugating irregular verbs with Mrs. Wilson, et allius,
We exercised our sexual imaginations with author Metalious.
My 6-word story
WYSIWYG. Learn frugality from telegram shortcuts.
--Gus Buchtel
NO OTHER ENTRIES [but that doesn't mean it wasn't a fine example! - comment by Gus]
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